safe

i haven't blogged in a while. i guess i've been so caught up trying to fix the dailies, right now i've got some time to burn. so i guess i have to admit to myself that i have taken the easy way out of things…or sometimes maybe i went with the flow too much.

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when he loves me more

maybe i'm not in-love. i thought that it was only fear that was holding me back from giving myself to mik completely. it's not. that's what relationships are…not perfect. although there are times when we find people who seem to make the relationship perfect, in the long run, everyone is just human.

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my life’s new chapter

endings and openings. that's what life is all about for me now. i think joe's made his last attempt at contacting me, and i realized how lucky i am to have mik in my life.

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truth is like shit…

truth is like shit. even if you hide it, it'll stink. someone will eventually discover it. it gets uglier over time when people don't find it to clean it up.  it sucks, it stinks and best of all when it's bad, no one wants to go near it.

in two days, it would be joe and i's 1 year meeting. and how timely for shit to come out. the truth stinks, i just didn't know that it was this kind of shit.

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suddenly happy

my life is finally on the move. last night, i looked at my pics with mik and felt this warm fuzzy feeling inside…what he's endured…and what he's been doing is finally working. i think i am slowly falling in love!

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bad joe memory 2

it was christmas day and the whole day joe spet with his family in his home. he kept saying he would visit me, but it was already late afternoon and he didn't. we had a party at dad's which was even fewer blocks away from joe and it was dinner time. i sent him an sms, "do you think you could come by here to see me?" he answered, "nope"

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bad joe memory 1

i am doing this so i start remembering the reasons why i broke up with him and why things couldn't work out.

it was a few days before christmas and joe was already done with work. he told me he would call me when he got home, and it was almost midnight and i haven't heard from him yet.

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for joe

a letter to joe. 

 
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leftovers

leftovers. the less you've eaten, the more leftovers. the less you have let go, the more leftovers. the slower you move on, you've got leftovers.

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walking away

yesterday i came zooming into my cousin's house. i was thinking about joe. his friend told me he had gotten back for a visit. i couldn't stop thinking all day. she let me this book, "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken"  which is another fabulous book written by the same author of He's Just Not that Into You.

"OMG! I just saw Joe with his WIFE and son. Just now! Call me!"…it was Marie. A year after and she is the only one who constantly spots Joe around…Joe waved at her, her jaw dropped to the ground.

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i’m just not that into him

maybe it is not commitment phobia. i used to read this great dating guide called he's just not that into you which taught me things about how guys should behave in the event of *courtship*. and i guess in this case, mik passes all the criteria of someone who is really into me, but i guess I'm just not that into him.

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confessions of the commitment phoebe

i just realized something. i have commitment phobia. and with good reason. i realized that one of the reasons why i got together with joe was that our relationship didn't hold on to any real, long term and serious promises to each other. frankly, i am afraid to make promises…i don't like people making promises to me…because usually i or the person i am making the promise to could end up disappointed. especially promises of commitment. that scares the hell out of me.

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to love or be loved

i have spent last whole week being sick and mik was there for me all the way, including accompanying me to all my trips to the hospital. when i was scared, he was there to comfort me. he did everything to make things better. i had a talk with him last friday night..about this whole situation.

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could this be closure

after all this time, i've been going along hoping that i will soon be over joe. i go out with mik almost 5-6 times a week, he calls several times a day and checks on me. one day, i receive an sms from the US and i think it was something i wanted to hear especially when i felt so worthless..but it's always better late than never.

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three weeks

i spent three weeks concentrating on work and going out with mik. andrew and carl already started complaining how i don't have time for them anymore. so far things have been good, mik has picked me up and i find more people complimenting me on how happy i look these days…but am i really happy? or is it just because someone has been thoroughly polishing my used-to-be broken ego…
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mik

mik. who is mik now. he's the guy who calls me up every morning. he's the guy who tells me to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. he's the one who texts me all da, asking how i am, telling me he loves me, asks me what i'm up to, asks me if we can chat on the phone for a while. he's the one who insists on coming over, even on weekdays, who insists we should go out, who takes me to all these beautiful places because he wants to make me happy and he wants to be with me all the time. he's the boy who gave me a giant teddy bear to sleep beside me at night, so i can stop thinking of joe in the morning. i should be happy….but i'm not.

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the fading feeling

is it mik who is helping me out of this? i decided to have a friendly dinner with him last wednesday night, and ever since then, he tries to see me everyday. no naughty stuff, so things aren't as confusing. i've been so busy with work this weekend that i hardly had any real time to dwell on joe…and mik tried to spend as much time with me as he could.

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kill me now

geez, i'm loaded. loaded with work, with post break-up anxieties…and boy stress. yes, boy stress. i can't seem to understand myself, i waited for mik's text the whole morning, and for a moment, i felt bad that he was disappearing on me. then i remembered last night…wow, my really drunk post here, joe's car…and the feeling that made my heart burn when i remembered him saying, "hey tell me if you see my car around okay."…wow. 

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sucks to be me

it's 2am right now. im struggling to get all the spellings correctly…iam dazed and confused on what the fuck is going on with my life…but anyway i think this is a good time to just pour it all out.

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rebound boy

i know, i know, this is something totally against my beliefs. my cousin came over for a swim the other day and told me how much faster things will go with a rebound boy. she looked at me and said, "look , quit it with joe,  he's done, you should look for people who'll make you happier ". i wasn't exactly up for the idea, but anyway, she SMSd a bunch of her friends and called one of her close friends…

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eyes without a face

I used to like playing this song with joe. being an 80's boy, he taught me to like spandau ballet, billy idol, the cure, el debarge, general public, funhouse etc…then i saw the lyrics of the song i discovered when we met… This is a useless post…but anyway.

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crash

there is something odd about trying to survive a breakup…the person leaves you…and yet they still continuously bother you. they live in your head, your heart…you see them everywhere even if they are so unwelcome. i spent my first one and a half weeks getting busy, feeling sad, feeling lonely, hanging out with friends and working…i thought i was doing very well already, until last night came. i was fixing my computer, and i was ready for bed…thoughts of joe were with me all day, like they always were…but this was different…sadness slowly consumed me until i crashed.

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break up: day 9

my new routine would be waking up in the morning, checking how i feel, reading a few pages from the selfhelp books and then going about my day. so far, i am still late for work, but i find myself already having reasons to smile these days. (more…)

break up: day 7

yesterday, i woke up really late. i felt like a 2 ton steel beam causing deformities in my orthopedic bed. i couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed. i went through some old books my cousin gave me and found Who Stole My Magic? (The Smart Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Break-up) and began reading. After an hour, i found myself sending an SMS that i am glad that Joe’s acting like a jerk, I’m glad I went through this relationship even if it was short…and now I have to start moving on. 80% of the replies were happy for me, the 20% still questioned if he ever really confirmed the break-up… (more…)

boyfriends

right now, i just got home from andrew’s place. i had dvd night with him and carl. while we were watching duplex…andrew looked at me and said…if a guy really loves u, he’ll just keep saying yes… (more…)

break up: day 5

day five. i didn’t feel so good today. i miss joe. the old joe. the one that used to be crazy in love with me. the one who used to email me at 4am while i was doing nothing in the states. the one who used to come over my house just to kiss me. (more…)

break up: day 3

it’s day 3 and i have already given up that i’ll ever get my closure from this guy. i read an old email he sent me while i was in the states and he was so in love…and it was so far from how he made me feel last december. i am actually getting tired of thoughts of him floating around my head…i started my day by reading a few chapters of he’s just not that into you. got me through the day, through work…but when i went home…there it was again. (more…)

smooth escapes

this weekend i tried to escape everything familiar. everything that would remind me of joe. i tried to do things, a normal boyfriend would do with me…something he cannot give me…i had to keep busy. nice, fun busy, to get him off my head…at the end of the day i still think of him, but i don’t cry over him anymore. (more…)

bye joe

i don’t want to cry anymore. today is the last straw. why should i cry for anyon who’s selfish…insensitive and who clearly disrespects me. there’s no reason to cry over someone like that. (more…)

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

so far i fear that maybe i will never have to heart to let go of joe. he is the “closest” boyfriend i ever had and i went through stuff with him that opened my mind to reality. i keep holding on until tomorrow, hoping that the next day i would be alright. yesterday we chatted, but i realized i was waiting and he was making me wait half the time…sometimes, i really feel that he’s jut doing his thing…he really doesn’t love me anymore…and i still keep hoping for the best. (more…)