when he loves me more

maybe i'm not in-love. i thought that it was only fear that was holding me back from giving myself to mik completely. it's not. that's what relationships are…not perfect. although there are times when we find people who seem to make the relationship perfect, in the long run, everyone is just human.

i am still thinking about joe. i'ven been dreaming about him. maybe i was too harsh. i don't know. maybe i'm not completely over him. i keep asking myself when will enough be enough. and why can't i compare how i feel towards him and towards mik. there is something wrong with me.

mik has been trying his best. from the time we got together, i've been having fits like a brat. and he just takes all of it. my unlovingness ad aloofness is starting to bother me. how can a man take all of this from the one he loves the most? maybe he is hurt, and is just hoping things will get better in time.

it was just like my situation last year. i was hoping things would get better in time. but they didn't. you can't expect people to change. maybe i won't change. i want to give mik the kind of love i gave joe. but i can't, maybe bec he is not rich, and anyone who is less financially stable than me isn't financially stable at all (bec i'm not). what is it with the money? have i been brainwashed enough?

i want to change. i told mik, it was different now. i don't that girl will ever come back. he looked disappointed, although i read in his eyes that he loved me so much, he would still be there whatever happens. for a second there i found it weak…how can anyone stand this? how can anyone stand myself?

i'm a tactless heartless asshole now. i have lost the girl who was so open to loving. who was innocent. who made love contagious. who made people wonder at her craziness. how could i have loved a man so complicated? and now…how could i not love a man who loves me so much more.

i love mik. but i am not in love. it's just companionship now. and the feeling that someone is there for me. someone i can hopefully be in-love with, in time.

but it's not now.

maybe it was how things started out. he wasn't a gentleman, and i keep remembering that. he's not that smart and i get bored sometimes. but when we're together, i am happy. but i don't get butterflies in my stomach.

are butterflies in my stomach a sign of love? sometimes it's a sign of anxiety, of fear, not necessarily love.

i look into mik eyes and i see a man who wants to take care of me.  who wants everything including my soul. who would probably take care of me even if i'm terminally ill. i am overwhelmed by his love…but i don't know why i don't feel that way, or i can't get myself to act that way.

maybe i'll give it a few months. i used to be so excited by joe. now mik, i guess i am in a stable state..atleast. the question is should i settle for this? techically i have since he's my boyfriend, but in my heart, i'm still half-hearted about our relationship.