for joe

a letter to joe. 

dear joe,

i cannot tell you how sad i feel because you never even tried to do anything. you were here. you lived  minutes away from me, you know where i work, you know where i live and you know how to reach me and still, you did not do anything to reach me.

i guess it's really that way. i don't have a right to feel bad, maybe you and her are fixing your marriage, and i guess i am glad for that…but i don't know why i am sad. maybe because i really don't know. maybe because i am still stuck here caring about you, when you obviously are not.

sometimes, i wish i never met you. i seem to have wasted so much effort on loving you that now your feelings for me have left you, i am still stuck in the same state, only now i'm sad. i wish you would never contact me again and i wish i have the will to tell you that so that it wouldn't bother me so much not talking to you until i die.

i loved you joe. i don't know now. i am sad things didn't work out and that you never bother even trying to fix things. i'm not sure if you were hinting but i guess if you really wanted to do something about it, you would…just like the way you did before.

i am so far from where i am before i met you…which was last year. maybe i would be better in a few weeks now that i know that you didn't even make an effort to contact me. right now, i am still hurt and i wish you weren't so insensitive about it.

but i guess because we're broken up, you really don't have any form of responsibility toward me anymore. i just want to wake up…truly wake up one day…soon….and be over you. i want to move on with my life and stop thinking, hoping and wishing that we would be okay.

it has been four long months and i feel that i am sick. i want to get better. but i find myself in the same hole as before…i wish there was a way to find hope, and know what is really going to happen to me in the next few months.

sometimes i feel pathetic, i pity myself for feeling this way for someone who obviously doesn't care about it me. and the most hateful part is that my real enemy is really myself. nothing you can do should ever hurt me anymore because we are not together anymore.

sometimes i feel empty. especially now with mik, i don't think i will ever treat men the same way. and it hurst me, because i feel that i have lost that girl you loved…that girl who used to think she would be the perfect girlfriend. that girl who loved unconditionally…now i don't love anymore. i was so hurt by what happened that i don't want to believe in love…nor in long term happiness…there is no such thing as that. everything will come to an end, and in my case, they always end when i start feeling that they won't. now i am just a girl, the worst girl a guy could have, and i have a guy who loves me so much but i don't feel the same way. of all people it is mik who deserved that girl who went away. that's not me anymore, and i don't know if i'll ever get her back.

i want to be happy again. i want to be as happy as the times when we were together. in fact, i want to be as happy as the time when i was actually happy being alone which was before i met you. i realized in the end that after finding a cure to loneliness, you end up being lonely yourself.