serial clubber
Friday, May 26, 2006With my third clubbing experience within a week,i,and most of d ppl who know me,consider me a serial clubber..Which, i must admit sadly,i hav become.Now i find myself looking for that club ego boost from the guys who come around and appreciate what they see in me.
I know,i feel like a piece of meat,but i don’t know why all this attention has gotten so addicting.I feel like i’m lashing out,i’m not liking it,but i can’t help it.Clubbing gives me temporary and shallow happiness.For a while i enjoy being unattached and i stop thinking about kay for a few hours…
Who the fuck am i kidding.I was thinking of him 50% of the time.I went clubbing with my long time friend,monica on another wednesday night..I told myself,if kay truly is a club fiend,than seeing him here would verify his dirty style.No he wasn’t there.And tonight,i realized,i was the one who needed verifying.
Do i really want this club girl reputation?
I was never like this before.I was the girl next door who liked to dress up,go out with my brother and his girlfriend,or if not his girlfriend,then with my cousins.Now i’m out AGAIN,with an entirely different girl,all dressed up,gettin tipsy,and strutting my stuff in front of these guys.I don’t think i’m liking what i’m doing,but i know that i enjoy it,just not what it’s doing to my self-image.For some reason,that pricetag that i put on myself just got lower.I feel like a slut.Maybe people now think that i’m a slut.I mean,how could they not?Being in the club three times within one week?That’s too much!
But monica and i had a great time.We got to talk,dance,i got to meet a lot of new people that night.Bill was there too,but he didn’t mind us so much,i guess bec all the girls just stuck to him like fly paper.I’m lashing out bec i got hurt.And i am trying to recover from this hurt by drowning in booze and killing myself as i dance.I have made myself vulnerable to kay,and i’ve gotten hurt.Now i’m trying to pick up what’s left of my self esteem bec things didn’t work out.I had such a great time,but when i woke up,i couldn’t understand why i felt sad.
Maybe bec i realized that i’m stuck in a rut- i love clubbing,it’s a quick fix for instant happiness for me,but i don’t like how people see me now knowing that i’m in that place atleast twice a week…With different people!So obviously,who the heck needs to be verified for the blemished reputation here? It’s not kay,it’s me!
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